The Big 5

In Africa they call them "The Big Five" - elephant, rhino, Cape buffalo, lion, and leopard.  These animals are the biggies.  

Well, in family life there are "The Big Five" also.  They are so well known we  get almost bored reciting them -  prayer, scripture reading, attending church weekly, doing things together (service, work, play, eat), and family home evening. 


But, the question is, "What if we are doing all those things and we still have problems?"  I would like to share with you a 1994 entry from my journal.


"He said he hated her, and his eyes showed he meant it.  Her sulking in her bedroom gave no room for negotiation or resolution.  I hurt and felt nauseated.  Right then heaven was a long way from our home.  I was tormented.  Families, our family, was not supposed to be like this.  I loved and ached for both of them.  There was nothing else to do but more of the same; family prayers, scripture time, family home evenings, vacations, going to church.  Slowly the battlefield had fewer casualties.  Time and the gospel and growing were working.  Missions, college, temple marriages, and more growing.


"Now, I watch these two with their spouses playing Scrabble, going to Disneyland, snowballing.....being friends. 

No healing of the deaf, blind, and leperous was more of a miracle than watching him cuddle her baby and whisper, 'Remember, I'm your favorite uncle.' "

The Big Five.  They're awesome. 
And they're worth it.

Handling the obnoxiously stubborn

While visiting family, our 20 month-old grandson got locked in the bathroom.

The door knob did not have any visible way to unlock it from the outside.  So, Jerry started taking it off.  I reminded him that the last time we tried to open a door by taking off the door knob, it didn't work.  He kept on taking off the screws.  I suggested that we call the fire department. 

He kept taking off the screws.  The baby was howling.  Our daughter-in-law called our son at work.  I brought up the fire department again.  Jerry kept taking off the screws.  It all seemed so simple to me- 


                Call the fire department!




A minute later the baby walked into the kitchen.  Humbly I said to Jerry, "It must be annoying to be married to me."  He very gently said, "Once in awhile, I just have to ignore you.  Sometimes it is the kindest thing you can do for someone."


When our kids were young, I listened to a parenting lecture that drove home the point, "Behavior that gets attention, gets repeated."  I have used that technique lots of times.  I remember stepping over a four-year old throwing a tantrum at my feet and walking into the next room.  It didn't take long for him to come find me, have a little chat, and get a big hug.  This method is non-confrontational, keeps you from being the "bad guy," and works pretty fast.


But, I never knew that my husband was using this behavior modification on ME.  I hope it's working.  I did get a big hug.

I wish I'd known when I was your age that...

...my husband would never be my girlfriend.  He would never sit, listen to me for hours, and always tell me that I was right.  His world would be different than mine.  He would see what was good for me and I would not always agree.  What did I want when I got married?  I have learned that whatever it was I thought I wanted, I got a man.  Every day I am fascinated by our differences and the wonder of it all.

I read recently that you cannot really know a person until you write their story.  Well, I have never done that, but I did do something that made me really see him.  Our last Christmas as full-time missionaries is the only one where I can remember every gift I received from my husband.  We gave each other only one.  If you are wondering what to give your husband for Father's Day - he will remember this one.

Early in December 2006, Jerry and I agreed on our gifts.  It was to be a letter entitled, "How do I know you love me?"  We worked on them for weeks, thinking, writing, and a little crying on my part.  Then we put two envelopes on our little Christmas tree.  I am going to share with you my letter to him.

How do I know you love me?  Let me count the ways...

1. On the day we married you committed to me for eternity, and every day since then you've shown me and our children and grandchildren, that you meant it.
2. Every morning you hugged and kissed me good-bye, went to work, and never complained.
3. You share with me (and everyone else) the wonders of nature.
4. You love our children and grandchildren.
5. You are always very kind to my family.
6. You always look for the best in people.
7. You always honor your priesthood.
8. You have given me countless inspired blessings.
9. You go to Coto (Argentine grocery store) for me even though you hate shopping.
10. You are my "body guard" when I want to go clothes shopping in Buenos Aires.
11. You always hold my hand when we cross streets.
12. You compliment me in public.
13. For 40 years you have thanked me for every meal.
14. You dry the dishes for me.
15. You tell me that you're sorry.
16. You think that am beautiful.
17. Every bird, every flower, every interesting, and beautiful thing, you want to share with me.
18. To you, everything is "we".
19. When my feet are cold, you let me put them between your legs to warm them up.
20. You believe that I can do anything.
21. You make me laugh at myself.
22. You are my best critic and cheerleader at the same time.
23. You built us a house - a beautiful home that means more than lumber and nails to us.
24. You showed me the wonder of lying in a hammock.
25. You water all of the plants that I forget about.
26. You will squirt me with the hose on a summer day.
27. You bring me the first ripe boysenberry.
28. You suprise me with flowers.
29. You let me shave my legs with your electric razor.
30. You let me take up most of the room in the closet.
31. In a hotel, if we get one good pillow and one lumpy one, you insist I take the good one.
32. Every morning you give me the choice of first or second shower.
33. You always put my bus money in the slot for me.
34. You always carry my stuff in your backpack - including the rocks that I pick up.
35. When we walk you make sure I'm walking in the shade.
36. You let me help you put in the last 5 pieces of the 500 piece puzzel you've been working on.
37. At the fruit and vegetable stands, you ask me what I want, and then you pick out the very best for us.
38. Every spring you show me nests with eggs, have me smell the apple blossoms, show me the tiny fruit on the trees, and take me to see the wildflowers.
39. You called me every day from work.
40. I know you love me because you love the Lord.
41. I know that you love me because you are still here.  Every night I go to bed and you are here.  Every morning I wake up, you are here.
42. Everything you do reflects your care of me, my comfort, my safety, my happiness.
43. You have bound me to you with countless golden threads of love wound around and around us.  It is now impossible for me to tell where I end and you begin, you are so much a part me.  You have taught me what "we" means.

Men are hard-wired to provide and protect.  Girl friends are not.

It's funny.  I forgot to write that every day he says, "I love you."

Roller coasters, comets, and rootbeer...

Family is, as the air I breathe,

A roller coaster I paid a lot to ride,

a child playing with a new toy,

A comet ride, destination unknown,

only knowing I won't let go.

It's the bubbles in my rootbeer,

light and fun,

not wanting rootbeer without it,

and sometimes

it makes me burp.

Can eggs fly?

It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird:

it would be a jolly sight harder

for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg.

We are like eggs at present.

And you cannot go on indefinitely

being just an ordinary, decent egg.

We must be hatched or go bad.

C.S. Lewis

I think that hatching begins with saying yes.  Yes to the uncomfortable things. 

I remember as a young mother, with a houseful of very young children, being asked to give some compassionate service.  A sister in our ward had been diagnosed with terminal cancer.  Her husband had asked if women could please come stay with his wife while he was at work. 

In the quiet of her house,  I waited, wondering what I could do or say to comfort her.  I knew her children, had been in YM/YWs with her oldest son.  Her youngest was in college, unmarried.  So much this mother was going to miss.

I heard her wake up and went to her.  She smiled, thanked me for coming,

and wanted to know about my family.  Then she asked, "Would you please bring me my make-up case.  I want to look nice for my husband." 

I only spent four hours with her, but she taught me how to die.  It was a hatching moment. 

What if I had said no.

When the wrong color is right

Needing a utensil holder I went to Goodwill with my thrift-shop-queen daughter and looked through the shelves of housewares.  I knew exactly what I wanted, but everything I saw was ugly.  Carrie came along behind me and picked up a metal, wrought iron container.  "Mom, what about this one?"  I looked at it and announced the obvious, "It's red." She said, "All it needs is spray paint."  

 

Has life ever handed you red when you wanted a different color? 

I was in college and desperately needed a job.  The one thing I could do well was to type.  But, to qualify for a secretarial job at BYU I had to be able to type 60 words a minute with no mistakes.  I knew to pass the typing test I would have to practice using an electric typewriter.  I would not be using my comfortable manual typewriter. 

I know, I'm ancient.

I went to the typing lab, and sat down, not knowing what I should practice.  Next to the typewriter someone had left a typing manual.  I randomly opened the book  and started typing.  I decided to type just this one practice page until I could hit the target speed.  I went straight from the library to the typing test.  The instructor told us to open the book to page such and such.  I turned to the page and there staring back at me was my page from the library!   I knew the Lord's hand was in this.  I knew that I would get the job I needed.  At the job interview I was told that there was one job and it would only last for four weeks.  Did I want it?  (I needed a job for the whole year.  This was all wrong.  All I could see was ugly red.)  I said yes, but was bummed. 

The afternoon of my last day, the secretary next door came to deliver some mail that had been misdelivered.  She moaned that her assistant secretary had just quit.  Our office secretary said,  "Jeanie is a typist and this is her last day."  Norma, who would be my boss for the next two years (and gave me a full time job when I needed it), said, "You're hired.  Come next door on Monday."  

I see now that all along 

the Lord is spray painting my life

the colors it needs to be, 

and even more beautifully

than what I hope for.

A child, a hymnbook, and me

It is not unusual to have an "aha" moment in church.  However, mine did not come from the pulpit, it came from the small grandson sitting next to me.  It was one of the greatest learning moments of my life.


Nate, wanted his own hymnbook, even though he cannot read.  I watched as he traced his little finger carefully along the stanzas. 

When a new verse began, he was right there, at the top, in the right place.  He never lost his concentration.  At the end of the song he proudly told me that he had been able to trace all the words plus the title and the page number!


What was so unusual or "aha" about a child and a hymnbook?  I found the answer to a decades-old question I have had.  How can I keep the commandment "Be ye therefore perfect"?  Why did the Savior ask us to do something, command us to do something He knew we could not do?  Why?  I know. I know.  It was a long-range goal for us.  For me, though, it was downright frustrating.  But, here was little Nate intent, focused, and still not able to read a word.  Was he reading?  Not by my standards, but in his time and place he was reading perfectly.  I had been confusing perfection and performance.


I have a new favorite word, thanks to Nate.  The word is "willing."  The scriptures are full of the Lord pleading with us to be "willing."  He understands willingness.  In the Garden of Gethsemane he prayed, "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."  Feeling weak was not imperfection.  His willingness was a hallmark of his perfection.  The Lord can help willing hearts.  He can make them better, more, and eventually...perfect.


Nate started to squirm so I handed him a pencil and paper.  He wrote very carefully and asked, "Grandma, do you know what this says?" 

  "What does it say, Natey?"

he grinned, "Nate is GREAT!"

Yes, he is. 

He wrote it perfectly.